


Cheaper than porn

by Katbelle



Series: A Series of Unfortunate Misunderstandings [1]
Category: Les Misérables (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cosette has had enough, Cosette's Papa walks around half naked, Cosette's friends are all perverts, Crack, Gen, Javert feels her pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katbelle/pseuds/Katbelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started out as a joke. Cosette thinks her Papa now regrets it. Because she sure as hell does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cheaper than porn

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this cracky prompt at the kink meme](http://makinghugospin.livejournal.com/13024.html?thread=6396128#t6396128). I have no explanations. This is shameless crack. I've never written a modern!AU before. This probably sucks, sorry.

**Cheaper than porn**

The first time happens on purpose, at least on Papa's side. Cosette tells him that Éponine will be coming over and quite possibly staying the night - history projects won't do themselves after all - and Papa, he--he kind of flips out.

"You cannot bring her here!" he despairs and stops nothing short of pulling on his own hair. He likes his hair, pays to it more attention than Cosette does to her own golden waves. "We had an agreement! You know the rules!"

Cosette rolls her eyes. Yes, yes, she knows, this whole witness protection thing that started when she was very little and caused them to move across the country more times than she could count. When they finally moved to Digne a year ago, she'd thought that maybe her life will finally gather some stability. Papa had a job and did his thing, his something, in Digne and didn't even bat an eye when Cosette told him her plans to apply to a lycée in Toulon. It was a two-hour drive to school every morning and every evening and he said _yes_. So, clearly, all was well. Cosette went to school a year ago and even if she didn't mean to (she did, in all honesty), she'd have made some friends by now anyway.

So, yeah, she just rolls her eyes.

"Papa, Éponine's parents don't have a car. They won't be able to come and pick her up. She has to stay the night."

"She can't! Didn't you say that her father was a sentenced criminal?"

"Yeah, for pick-pocketing--"

"If _they_ find out about the company you keep we'll have to move again--"

" _Papa_." He finally stops blabbing, thank God. "I'm the only person in the class who's never had anyone for a sleepover or never organized a party. If you're worrying about anyone noticing anything weird about us then yeah, _that_ is weird."

Papa looks ready to argue a bit more so Cosette simply stomps her foot.

"Éponine's coming, end of story."

And it is, at least for some time. Éponine comes and Cosette greets her, gives her a small tour around the house. Éponine doesn't comment on the fact that everything's new, that there are scarcely any personal trinkets around; she simply says that it's nice. Papa doesn't come to say hello to their guest at all and, frankly, Cosette prefers it that way. She loves her Papa dearly but he often has fucking weird ideas.

Like for example now.

"Need anything, girls?" Papa asks as he opens the door without knocking because he'll simply _never learn_.

Éponine's eyes widen at the sight of him and Cosette resists the urge to shake her head. Christ, he could cut the crap with the Imposing Parental Figure looming that he once used to scare away that really cute Pontmercy boy, back when they were still living in Paris and weren't named Fauchelevents. Éponine is not Marius so she will not be scared away by something like that. Cosette turns around to face the door to tell Papa exactly that and no, they don't need anything, but the words get stuck in her throat.

Oh God. Oh, OH GOD.

It takes a moment to realize that he is not, in fact, completely naked, but his boxers do him no favours in terms of covering him. If anything, they only draw attention to certain parts of his anatomy that Cosette would rather--not think about--at all. Ever. 

Period.

"N-no," Cosette stutters in reply. She thinks her face is now undistinguishable from a beetroot. Éponine's eyes are big as saucers. Well, there goes her friendship with the girl. Éponine will never ever want to hang out with Cosette, let alone _visit her_ again, considering the fact that Cosette's father is an utter, shameless creep. And he's raising her completely on his own which can make - fuck, it no doubt _will_ make - Éponine think that, deep down, Cosette is an utter, shameless creep as well.

Gee, thanks, Papa.

"Call me if you need _anything_ ," Papa says and then he fucking _winks_ and that's it, Cosette's done, she can't with him any minute longer. She regrets ever making him watch _Mean Girls_ with her because, apparently, her Papa makes a great Amy Poehler impression. She moans and buries her head in her hands the moment the door closes after his broad and muscled back. This is a whole new level of embarrassment and she's not sure how come she hasn't exploded from its sheer amount yet.

Éponine will surely want to leave now. Cosette will drive her back to Toulon herself, law be damned, because she sure as hell won't let Papa anywhere near her friend. Éponine just has to say something first, anything.

"So," Éponine begins, "is he single?"

What. Cosette's head snaps back up.

"What?" she asks weakly. Éponine's sharp eyes are watching the closed door and shit, did she just lick her lips?

"Your father, is he single?" Yep, she definitely licked her lips. "What's his view on May-December relationships?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Cosette prays to any available god who might be willing to listen that Éponine is not talking about what Cosette thinks she's talking about.

"Your dad's _hot_ ," Éponine explains and yes, she is talking exactly about that. It's a good thing really that Cosette's face can't get any redder. "I'd tap that."

"That's my _dad_ ," Cosette says, horrified. There is no way they'll be doing any history projects now.

Éponine shrugs.

"I'm simply saying that he's hot, it's not like I'm going to make him put a ring on me or anything." She scoots closer to Cosette and carries in a much lower voice, "so, is he single?"

"He's gay," Cosette tells her, without actually meaning to. It just sort of slips out. Ah, well, it's not like it isn't true.

"Shame," Éponine shakes her head sadly. "It's always the cute ones."

***

Cosette is not exactly sure what happens next and how she lost control over it - or even if she had it in the first place - but Éponine starts coming over with a shocking regularity. After a month she's almost a permanent fixture in their house and Papa has stopped paying any attention to her; he even looks genuinely sad when he comes back from work and Éponine is not there.

And then, one day, Éponine knocks on their door and when Cosette answers, it's her and Grantaire standing in the entrance.

"What the hell?"

"Grantaire has a car," Éponine explains as she ushers both Cosette and the boy into the house. "He gave me a ride here."

"We have that maths assignment to do, remember?" Grantaire says very loudly, so loudly that Cosette's Papa is sure to have heard that. Grantaire was not paired with Cosette and Éponine but fine, if he wants to help then let him help.

It's not that Cosette doesn't notice the hungry looks her friends give her Papa when they enter the living room, it's that she simply prefers to pretend it's not there.

***

And then they start coming over every fucking weekend, not just Éponine and Graintaire but also Courfeyrac and even, at one point, their Lord Almighty President of the Student Body Enjolras. And they all stay for the night because Grantaire maybe has a car but his car won't fit all the guests, and Digne is too far away from Toulon anyway.

It's starting to freak Papa out a little bit.

"There's this project the drama club is doing for the orphans, how come you've forgotten?" Enjolras asks one particular Friday evening as the whole merry band stumbles through the threshold. Courfeyrac thrusts a bag of Cheetos into Cosette's hands.

There is no project for the orphans. Cosette is not even a member of the drama club.

"Good evening, Monsieur Fauchelevent!" Éponine greets Papa warmly with a glint in her eyes that Cosette hopes he won't notice. Papa nods his greetings and goes back to his work, hiding his head behind the laptop. After a few minutes he excuses himself and goes upstairs.

The merry band installs themselves on the wide couch in the living room. Cosette brings a bowl for the Cheetos.

"He's really cute," Grantaire starts the conversation. "Last week he wore those adorable Hawaiian shorts."

"Crap, I've missed that," Enjolras curses. He did miss that, he had a meeting of the Student Council that he couldn't skip in favour of perving over Cosette's father. "Why does all the good stuff happen when I'm not around?"

"Karma." Courfeyrac reaches for the Cheetos. Cosette hands the bowl without a word. "You're bossy and obsessive, you're so never going to get laid."

They talk about school next and Cosette breathes a sigh of relief. That's a topic of a conversation she can partake in. They don't talk about the nonexistent project for orphans or the drama club, yet the evening still proves to be beneficial. Grantaire ends up explaining chemistry to all of them and Enjolras shares his plans for their senior prom. They get to voice opinions and contribute a little to the theme. It's the Great Revolution. Cosette's not entirely happy with it but there is no power on this Earth that would make Enjolras change his mind.

"Shut up, shut up," Éponine elbows everyone within her reach, "he's coming!"

Indeed, Cosette's father walks down the stairs in his pyjama bottoms and nothing else. Cosette tries to look away and fixes her gaze on a photo frame far on her right. Beside her, her friends are munching the Cheetos like crazy.

"There's leftover pizza if you get hungry," Papa tells them. "Don't stay up too late, okay? Sleep is important."

"Sure, Monsieur Fauchelevent," Éponine agrees. When Cosette's Papa leaves, she adds quietly, "sleep is not the only thing that is important."

Grantaire giggles. Cosette feels the blush working its way down her face.

"God, those muscles," Grantaire shakes his head. "He must have been working out recently."

"He's totally ripped for a guy his age," Courfeyrac agrees. He shakes the bowl. They must have run out of Cheetos.

"I agree with your assessment of Cosette's father," Enjolras finally says. Christ, and Cosette thought that at least he would be impartial and supportive of her. "A+ body, 11 out of 10, would bang."

"Get in line," Éponine suggests and that's _it_.

"You guys are out of your minds!" Cosette jumps off the couch. "That's my _dad_ you're talking about! The only reason you come over is to sit around on my couch waiting for my dad to take off his shirt or walk into the room with only his boxers on--"

"Wait, that actually happened?" Grantaire cuts in with an incredulous expression that also kind of borders on salivating. Éponine grins and nods. "Christ, it needs to happen again."

"It's not our fault that your dad is too hot for his own good, Cosette," Enjolras shrugs. "If that helps, we truly view him as a quality man. He's way better than porn. And he's also free of charge, that's always a plus."

"You," Cosette points at her friends, huddled on the couch innocently with an empty bowl between them, "are all fucking perverts. I hate you."

She turns on her heel and storms out of the living room. In the hall she grabs the keys to her dad's car and then she's gone.

***

She knocks on the door softly praying that the agent is not asleep and will be gracious enough not to call the cops or worse, her Papa. He probably won't, over all the years he's spent as her family's handler he kept quite a lot of secrets from Papa, most of them concerning Cosette and things she did which she wasn't supposed to. Like, for example, driving all the way to Toulon without an ID or a driving license.

"Cosette," Javert's brows raise as he opens the door. "What are you doing here?"

Javert steps back and allows her to enter. He beckons her into his small kitchen and offers to prepare tea.

"My house is currently full of fucking perverts."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just, my friends." She takes a deep breath. She knows for a fact that it was Javert who talked her Papa into not scaring away all the friends she's managed to make in lycée. Somehow she wasn't grateful for it just now. "They've been coming over more and more frequently."

"Isn't that good?" he asks. He's a hermit so he wouldn't know.

"Not their reasoning for it, no. See, they only come to sit on the couch and perv over Papa. Like, they only wait for him to walk around the house half dressed, and then they just stare at him and make really rude comments, and I'm pretty sure that half of my classmates want to bang my dad and the other half doesn't simply because they haven't seen any pictures of him yet. And they just keep camping in my house and the biggest wish they all have is to see my dad naked. That's just sick."

Javert makes a pained face.

"Yeah. I--I feel you," he says tightly.

For some reason Cosette doesn't think he really does.


End file.
